sometimes you think you know how it’s going to feel but it feels a lot lot worse and sometimes you can’t even remember if you’ve ever felt this bad but you’re pretty sure you have because last fall was a nightmare too- you just had more drugs then.

so you give yourself pep talks. if you don’t you hear it out loud you will find a way to convince yourself it’s not real. you say things like “you’re going to be fine” and “you’re doing the right thing” and wonder if it’s ever possible to be be gentle with yourself and everybody else at the same time.

(sometime in fall 2013)

day drinking and then naps

I am so okay with this

you’re fucking burning through me. why and how? i told you i stopped keeping track, stopped trying to figure out. that’s just the way it is. i told you, i made peace with it. but did i? did i?